Transformation Notes
If my words mean something to you, and you’re in a position to give, it means a lot. Your kindness helps me keep showing up to create.How am I doing?
A lot better than I could be, but in the grand scheme of things—fine, I guess. It’s been one hell of a two months. Honestly, I'm not sure how I'm managing to do so well right now. But I'll admit, I understand why some people kill themselves after something like this.
But here's the thing about survival: you do have a choice. You can go back to the abuse, even though you see it clearly for exactly what it is, or choose to be strong.
You’re on the right path now.
You deserve to be here.
Maybe you’ll see life differently soon—who knows?
You have work to do, sure, but you also deserve time to process everything that’s happened. Processing is hard work. You are really going to go through it, but it is necessary.
You’ve got this.
What I want to say:
If your aim is to embody darkness—to think darkness, speak darkness—I guide writers into their shadows and discomforts. Imagine a Ryan Murphy vibe: writing services for the grotesque, the hidden, the suicidal, the violent, the abusive, the lies.
I am an interworld messenger. After just one session, you'll be stunned by how much you've revealed, astonished by your own honesty.
Within 90 minutes, you’ll reveal information you never imagined you'd share with anyone.
If you're ready to confront your darkness, the secrets buried deep, and the subconscious that's truly steering your life, perfect. You've arrived. You’re exactly where you need to be.
If you don't yet understand, that's okay—I get it.
I'm so grateful for life. I'm so grateful to the spirit that communicates through me. Because I hold the power knowing—that's my power. Knowing is not the same as intellectual understanding. It's not something that can be mastered; it's something you tap into. And for that, I am incredibly grateful and thankful.
All this time, I could've died, but I failed, and continued to fail.
Yet, I'm also very hard on myself because I've truly become a new person.
And now, I have awareness of that.
As someone who always felt a kind of mental block—a sense of nothingness—I always experienced emptiness and never found purpose within myself. But now I fully believe in who I am, in my strengths, and in my purpose. Now, because I finally understand that I have a calling, I have purpose.
I mean, I completely felt the call out of nowhere to come to New York. I was at the lowest mental state I've ever experienced in my life.
When you're a kid, you haven't yet developed the capacity for complex thought, so knowing what you knew then versus what you know now is profound.
Killing yourself felt like a solution. And I mean, why not? You can't seem to do anything right. You have no overall goals for yourself because you break all the promises you've ever made—to yourself and others.
Now, master it.
This is a lesson. This is school. We’re great at school. How do you master actually working hard? And working hard for yourself? How do you actually master your own curriculum? You decide what you learn, unlearn, and relearn.
You are the master of your fate. Yes, ultimately, you can decide.
I choose survival.
I choose transformation.
I choose purpose.
I choose me.
I choose my success.
I want purpose.
Since I am the master of my fate, I am the one who masters how anything will define me. I am the one who decides my destiny. I am the one who needs to surrender to the universe because, in doing so, I trust my intuition. All the best friendships and connections have entered my life as a result of honesty.
It’s ok to genuinely help myself.
Why am I resisting? Again, with gratitude.
Oh wait, okay, I am released.
Remember the purpose, get down to business.
We are here now to own our existence and our business—mentally, physically, and spiritually. So, now you need to get back to business. So guess what?
Post it, post it, post it, post it, post it.
Do not get lost. You cannot afford not to post. I mean, you live in Manhattan, for Christ's sake. What do you have to lose?
That's the point, right? Truly knowing your weaknesses and facing them? Knowing that yes, you really struggle with all these things, but you don't have to be defined by them. You, ultimately, are the one in control of managing your symptoms and resisting temptation.
Do not let your thoughts escape your control because you know better now.
That's your intuition. More than ever in tune with the universe. Because now I have purpose and survival. I control my destiny and fate. Now, celebrate this important work coming your way.
Remember this is school. And we're learning how to master ourselves.
And that's that.
Okay, so, step one is understanding the right way to hold a writing utensil. My mom told me that I always struggled to hold a pencil the right way.
Why don't I take more pride in my handwriting?
Well, because a symptom of ADHD or trauma, whatever it is, is letting my thoughts grip me. That's the ultimate challenge.
Ok, now that I fully understand how to hold a writing utensil, it shouldn't hurt—not pressing too hard. Like a crab? Pinch-pinch (wow, okay—is that normal or is it just an all-knowing thing)?
Bring yourself back. Don't question, just write.
But questioning is the number one thing I love about myself.
Yes, okay, but if you're too caught up in your thoughts and don't put pen to paper, you run into problems.
Be grateful. Master yourself.
Why do I remember?
Why do I feel like I don't have a good grip on it?
Ha. Isn't that an interesting turn of phrase? Putting pen to paper—
Don't let irrationality, those tricksters or devils, watch you fail or succeed—
which is what I’m wrestling with right now.
Tonight I ask why. I expressed gratitude, wept at the realization that I've been divinely protected all my life despite my irresponsibility.
The greatest way to thank the universe and these entities is to master my knowing. Knowing as much as you do comes with great responsibility. You must fully be yourself.
There is a right way to hold a writing utensil, so let's practice.
Master your thoughts by actualizing them. That is the greatest gift you can give in return for the divine protection you've always received ("i before e, except after c").
Hey, I like this handwriting. This is mastering. I need to journal more.
Mastery of thoughts is remembering them, actualizing them, and following through on promises—to yourself and others.
I'm mastering in real-time. Talking through it now.
Interesting.
Slow down. Your whole body is wired to move fast. Mastery of your thoughts means knowing that you talk and process faster than most, and that is a gift. You absolutely do understand that you are blessed with the gift of fast processing. Remember, you need to master it.
You've just learned how to hold a pen correctly and simultaneously understand the power of being knowing and honest. Let's first establish this.
Wow. Going slow—I feel like, why am I fighting so hard to go sssssllloooowwww?
I've only ever written for speed. Fast, first, always first. My whole childhood was like this—always had to be first, number one, the best, the fastest.
Ha, I just realized if I trusted my intuition, I'd know I need ways to slow down. There's no reason to clench my cheeks this hard. You have the gift of speed and knowing. Your system moves so fast. Force yourself, when catching yourself moving too fast, to rely on writing to slow down.
Don't forget this when you need to build the habit of slowing down. Your entire system is wired for speed. It feels painful to slow down, yet clearly, this is how you master it—fighting against your default.
Can you write faster? Yes. But feel how hard it is to resist that speed. This is control. This is understanding your system moves faster than most. The best medicine to combat internal speed is creating habits (dip your ink) that use your powers to slow time. The key is going slower than necessary.
Who decides how fast time moves?
Sit through the discomfort of slowness to ultimately commit to living at a healthier speed. Practice this as you consider your preference of font.
This is the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Control, for me, is slowing down. My internal clock is so fast. This is therapy.
I have the gift of moving quickly; it's my responsibility to discipline my system.
I commit to writing slowly and intentionally once a day, for at least 30 minutes. This is healthy. I don't have anything to prove to anyone.
Speed has probably been at the root of my mistakes—why didn't my mom recognize my need to slow down?
Writing slowly grounds me. Master the gift by controlling the pace.
What a fun and revealing night this has been.
Why wasn't I encouraged to slow down?
Have I always been this way, or was I something else at first?
Is this an example of generational trauma, this survival mode?
Because that's really what it's about neurologically, right? Primal instincts. That fight or flight mode. So, I want to know if this is something I have as a result of who I was raised by.
Yeah, okay, that makes a lot of sense. This is recognizing generational issues.
My dad was raised by a mom who was lost in the clouds and a dad who went to prison for life for first-degree murder. That's got to carry some interesting and negative energy—to produce something out of that much evil, motivated by greed, money, or jealousy.
Like, who raised you? I need to do a deep dive on that.
And then my mom, also really bad energy.
I need to heal. I need to break this cycle.
My mom's brother died at 47 from cirrhosis of the liver—horrible way to die, by the way. Imagine finally being able to say how you feel to your sibling only when you're on your deathbed. Fortunately, I feel that my sister and I are working to break that cycle.
Slowing down—you're safe.
I have to believe the formation of people's brains is deeply connected at a molecular level to something that happened at some point in the bloodline. Because no doubt your sex cells and all cells in general take on the characteristics of that survival mindset you're in. There's absolutely a genetic component at play here. Because that much death and destruction, especially when all of it has happened in recent history—why did my grandma want that?
What happened so that my grandpa—yes, he's an alcoholic—but he's still here. He was the one who maintained the most sanity. I know he is proud of me, and it feels genuine, and I believe it. He really is the only man who speaks to me in a way like my grandpa does.
Is it normal to feel more love from your grandparents than your own parents?
But now, I have to also completely call into question everything my mom has said, including things about my grandma. Ah, that's another wound—the money wound.
It doesn't seem like Granny had that issue, but I don't know enough. What I do know is that I don't trust my mom. I so desperately wish that I did. I also really don't trust my dad because he has stood by and chosen to enable the insanity instead of doing two critical things: one, heal, which he is finally doing, and two, he either was abusive himself or enabled the abuse from my mom.
I have the power of knowing. It is my responsibility to slow down and heal. It is time to start driving. You've been on autopilot for far too long. You need to trust your intuition; slowing down will help you better understand your intuition.
Gratitude, thank you.
Now, logically, yes, of course, it makes sense.
People with illegible handwriting often move faster than most. When I slow down and really think, my intuition becomes calm and moves at a more manageable, healthier pace.
Tonight was truly educational. You've learned so much—remember, this was your classroom; mastery will come with practice. Yes, I must continue to trust my instincts about being authentically myself. But speed matters; I've discovered tonight that intentionality, purpose, and discipline are areas I need to master more fully. Doing so is essential for my success.
Right now, I'm hungry and need to start aligning my body with a healthier sleep schedule. While I may have some control over my internal sense of time, I can't alter how objective time moves externally. Adapting to reality as it is remains crucial for achieving my goals.
I'm feeling immense gratitude for all the insights gained tonight. I will harness this newfound knowledge to graduate to the next level. Implementation, action, slowing down intentionally (for countless reasons), routine, and discipline—these changes will help me move forward effectively and intentionally.
I am powerful. I attract abundance. I have everything I want.
Alexa Redick
